It seems my photography goes through phases… I feel comfortable and content, and then something in me begins to change. I begin feeling like I’m missing something. I get restless, and I start to ask myself questions. I do shoot after shoot, and though I still love it, the outcome leaves me wondering what I missed. I love it, but I don’t enjoy doing photography as much. The pictures are good, but my soul feels discontent. It seems to be the refining process of an artist. This restless feeling always means it’s time for some growing.
I have been feeling this way over the last month, and kept searching myself to see what the cause was. I’ve talked to a couple people about it, and I began wondering if it was just learning the balance between art and running a business. Perhaps that was it? I dug deeper though, and I began to find the answers.
As I walked through the sunset with Michael last night, I sat on the reclining wall, and watched as the sun went beneath the horizon. I felt a calmness that my busy schedule hasn’t allowed time for. I breathed in the fresh air, and listened as Michael told me stories and expressed what he has been learning about himself. I felt my heart relax as I stood in the stillness with the one I love. I felt all the wonderful emotions that push me to capture moments for others. I felt the calmness that I need to do art.
I took it all in, and I suddenly knew what I was missing. I was trapping my creative heart inside a rigid schedule. I was all business. I was reading photography books, watching youtube videos, looking online for advice. I was making a list of rules for camera use and photoshoots. I was gearing up for rule of thirds and arm placement. I was making sure it was a clear shot, and that everyone could be seen. I was beginning to become a rule follower. This is the very reason I chose not to go to school for photography, because my work has always been everting but following the rules… It is relentlessly rebellious in that it ignores the technicality, and goes for the hearts of those it captures. That’s what makes it unique and my own. That is what my passion is for.
I watched as the sun created a canvas of colours, and wondered what it would be like if this Universe was as caught up with perfectionism as we are… As I am. Being a perfectionist is my greatest creative killer. It hurts my photographs, my raw style, my spirit, my relationship with myself and others.
I hope people book me because my pictures make them feel something. I hope they aren’t looking for the perfectly framed moment, the perfect faces or the perfect pose. I hope it’s because they see the love between two people, they see the joy knit between a family and the feel as the light creates a canvas to work with. I hope it’s because they are in love with life and each other, and they want to have a keepsakes to carry with them in every chapter that will follow.
For the following weeks I will be focusing on breathing, journalling and taking care of this heart. I’ll be focusing on letting creativity grow stronger than perfectionism, and continue to share that with others. I’ll visit the sunset more, kiss my boyfriend more, run with my dog more and do more family dinners; I’ll appreciate what makes this life important.